The Affair
by Riley Green
Summary: How can something so wrong be the only thing that is right?
1. Chapter 1

_Thanks to everyone at Destined for their continued encouragement and kind words about this story. I hope the rest of you enjoy it also. Please please please leave me a review if you read and let me know your thoughts, queries, concerns. Your reviews honestly make my day. Constructive criticism is always welcome._

_Riley_

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****Chapter One**

A tiny voice roused Samantha Spade from her restless sleep.

"Daddy! Daddy!"

It was haunting really, echoing down the hallway of the apartment, reaching out to her in her bed beckoning her with its desperation. She shifted slightly; sleep fleeing her mind in a moment as she glanced quickly over her shoulder at the husband who slept at the far edge of the mattress. She held her breath for a moment listening to the steadiness of his breathing before issuing a silent prayer that the screams had left him still soundly sleeping.

Ashley's screams continued and Sam sighed climbing from the warmth of the bed and wrapping her robe around her body to keep out the cold. Her bare feet anxiously slid across the bare wooden floor boards and down the hallway to her daughter's bedroom.

This was becoming an all too familiar situation that Sam desperately wished she could rectify. The heartbreaking screams that shattered the stillness of the night, the voice calling out for 'Daddy' that made her want to cry also.

Ever since Martin had moved out, a year ago, this was the way it had been, almost _every_ night. She was slowly running out of energy. It almost reminded her how she herself had been when Martin had broken up with her first time. Waking in the middle of the night more frightened than she could ever remember being with no reasonable explanation, needing him to be there and drive the nightmares away, in a way only he could. It was almost more than she could bear to see her own little girl going through something so similar right now, never understanding why 'Daddy couldn't come home'.

She had truly believed she and Martin could make their relationship work. After all, they loved each other, she was certain of that. But _she_ couldn't live that life for long. Perhaps the problem was she loved him too much and it was just too painful living every day with the knowledge that she could lose someone she depended on too greatly. She could be all alone and completely heartbroken. She'd been there before, she couldn't be there again. She needed him too much and there was always a part of her that was never his because she was too scared. She somehow couldn't let herself get attached to him again, that would just make it too hard for her if she lost him, if he left her, yet another person in her life that had deserted her.

She knew she had driven him away and she was sorry because not only had she disappointed Martin she had a beautiful little girl that depended on her that she had disappointed also. But they'd called it quits and she'd given him back the engagement ring he had given her after she had discovered she was pregnant.

He'd taken his ring, and his promises and he had moved out, with so much love still between them and their beautiful daughter who would always connect them.

When he'd told her he was getting married to Kate, she believed her heart had actually stopped for a second as she realized the implications of what he was saying. That marriage symbolized the end for them. This time permanently. It meant he was over her, he loved someone else and that realization hit her hard.

She had done the only thing that she could think of that night, gone out alone, and gotten drunk in her usual style. With Ashley staying at Martin's and that numb feeling that had settled over her there was nothing she needed more than to feel something, anything.

She'd met Shane there in that bar and taken him home to her empty apartment. And he'd made her feel something and made her forget Martin for a while and as a month passed and then two their relationship gradually grew into something she thought she could be satisfied with.

Then he had asked her to marry him. She knew it was wrong, to marry one man but still be so deeply in love with another but Shane loved her, he was good to her and to her daughter and Martin was married, she'd thrown away the last chance of being with him, her own insecurities would always be that vast space that would forever distance them.

So she had married Shane and tried to be happy with the life that she could have. But it was moments like the ones that would soon come when it was still dark, early in the morning and she was holding her four year old daughter who was still crying out for her father that Sam felt her own heart crying out for him too.

Ashley's room was dark, a tiny stream of light poured through the crack in the pale pink curtains illuminating the blonde-haired blue-eyed child as she cried, desperately reaching out for her mother.

"Mommy!"

"Hey baby, shhhh," Sam soothed sitting down on the edge of the bed taking her daughter into her arms. "It's ok, I'm right here."

"I want Daddy!"

Sam placed a kiss against her daughter's head as Ashley wrapped her arms tightly around Sam's neck, tears streaming down the little girl's flushed face.

"Baby, Daddy's not here you know that. But I'm here right now and you're going to see Daddy this afternoon remember?"

The little girl nodded her head but the tears didn't stop.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

She nodded again burying her tear-stained face against Sam's shoulder as she rubbed her back. "It's ok, shhhh, it's ok, Mommy's here."

Holding onto Ashley tightly, Sam settled back against the pillows, pulling the blankets over the two of them, hoping that the tears would, as usual, subside shortly and it wouldn't be long before she fell back into a nightmare-free sleep. Sam rocked Ashley gently stroking her daughter's hair.

"Mommy?" the tiny voice asked again, "why can't daddy come home now?" she cried again causing tears to spring to Sam's own eyes as she heard the anguish in that voice that she was tired of disappointing.

She didn't know what else she could say, how many times she could answer the same question and she wanted so desperately in that moment for Martin to be here to make everything ok as only he could. So instead of speaking she just tried to soothe her daughter whispering comforting nonsense against her ear.

As Ashley continued to cry for her father Sam stood carrying her daughter out into the living room, holding onto her, pacing back and forth as she cried too. This was too hard. She couldn't keep spending every night like this it was killing her, breaking her heart, more so than it already was.

Sitting on the sofa, Sam reached for the phone and automatically dialed Martin's cell, praying that Kate wouldn't answer instead.

"Fitzgerald?" his voice was groggy, filled with sleep and she instantly felt guilt descend on her heart for having the nerve to call him at four in the morning.

"Hey,"

He recognized her voice instantly from so many late night phone calls like this one that had come before, "What's up?"

"Sorry to call you at this hour but she's been crying for you for an hour now, I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry Martin."

"Sam, its ok really, let me talk to her."

Sam held the phone against her daughter's ear.

"Daddy?"

"Hey sweetheart, why are you crying?"

"I...I had a bad dream. Daddy, I want you to come home now."

"I can't come over there now baby but I'm going to come see you this afternoon. If you don't sleep now Mommy might not let you come to the park with me ok?"

Sam sighed watching Ashley as she spoke to Martin the tears slowly drying up as if his voice contained the magic ingredient to wipe away tears.

"Ok," Ashley whispered softly, "Goodnight Daddy."

"Night baby."

Ashley handed the phone back to Sam and rested her head against her mother's shoulder her eyes slipping shut, satisfaction that her Daddy hadn't really abandoned her, he was coming back for her later on.

"Thank-you," Sam murmured into the phone, "I was going crazy."

"Anytime, you know I'd do anything for her. You too." he paused, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

"I was dreaming about you," he whispered, "I'm glad you called."

"Oh yeah?" she smiled briefly.

"Meet me for a run?"

"It's 4am Martin."

"Yeah so?

"Martin, we can't…"

"Since when has that ever stopped us."

She sighed again, he always could wear her down, "Ok, let me put Ashley back to bed, make sure she's sleeping. Meet you at the usual spot?"

"I'll see you there soon."

After tucking Ashley back into bed Sam slipped back inside her own room. Quietly she pulled out some clothes trying not to wake Shane. The floorboard creaked under her as she changed and Shane's voice rang out in the dark room.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going for a run," she whispered hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions.

"Alone?" he asked rolling over to look at her across the room.

"Uh, yeah why?" she lied feeling guilt creeping into the pit of her stomach, taking up residence.

"It's still dark out."

"I know, I couldn't sleep."

"Everything ok?"

"Yeah just need to clear my mind that's all."

This had become a routine she and Martin went through. Running so often together in the middle of the night while the city was fast asleep and daylight had yet to break. They couldn't stay away from each other as hard as they had both tried to get on with the lives they had made for themselves they couldn't deny what still existed between them, what they both felt so strongly for each other.

They knew what they were doing was wrong; they talked about it together as they lay under a tree in the park wrapped up in each others arms. She had a husband who loved her and she had promised to be faithful to and he had a wife to whom he'd promised the same and that's what made this so immoral. But when she was in his arms, looking into those familiar blue eyes and feeling the warmth and love of his embrace, nothing had ever felt so right.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the next part, please let me know how you like it.

**The Affair - Chapter Two**

It was cold out as she ran towards the entrance to the park where she and Martin had agreed to meet. He was there waiting for her, leaning against a wall looking as beautiful as usual.

"Hey handsome," Sam murmured standing in front of him a smile glowing on her face.

"Hey sweetheart," he reached out pulling her body against his, his arms wrapping tightly around her, "Ashley get back to sleep ok?"

"Yeah she was sound asleep almost a minute after she'd talked to you, thank you," Sam leant forward her lips finding his and kissing him gently. Resting her forehead against his her hand reaching behind cupping the back of his head, playing with his hair Sam sighed.

Martin could feel the tension in her body as she leaned heavily against him, "You ok?" he asked her gently his hand reaching up to stroke her face. She didn't reply just looked at him with her weary dark eyes.

"Let's walk," he suggested taking her cold hand in his and pulling her along the path into the park.

They walked for a while hand in hand content to be near each other wrapped in the cool early morning breeze. Martin occasionally glanced sideways at Sam noticing the intense look displayed on her face as she clung tightly to his hand lost in her world of thought.

She was brought out of her somber reverie when he stopped suddenly in front of a small lake, under the tree they always came to on nights like this, their tree. "Do you want to talk to me about it?" he asked her cautiously unsure whether or not what was bothering her was something he could help her with.

She looked up at him with desperation in her eyes, "Martin, we can't keep doing this. All this guilt, it's just too much."

Martin felt all the breath rush out of him and panic set in as he realized what she was saying, "You...you want to end this?" he choked slightly on his words.

"Yes, we have to this is wrong."

"Do you love me?" he asked her feeling his emotions churning him up inside.  
Sam reached up cupping his face between her hands her fingers playing with his hair, "More than anything, you know that."

"Then how can it be wrong?"

"Oh Martin," she cried tears welling up in her eyes as she saw the emotion in his, "It is, it's so wrong. You have a wife who's at home in bed waiting for you and I'm pretty sure she has no idea that you're here holding me and kissing me. I sure as hell know I have a husband at home who has no idea and I'm terrified that one of them will find out and this will just get more complicated than it already is. I love you...I love you so much but I cannot keep doing this."

Martin pulled her face to his kissing her soft lips tasting the mixture of their tears on the tip of his tongue, "Leave him," he said suddenly pulling back but still holding her face in his hands barely inches from his own.

"What?"

"Leave him," Martin repeated, "You leave Shane, I'll leave Kate. Then we can be together, the three of us, we can be a family like we're supposed to be."

Sam studied him looking for something in his eyes, what, she was unsure. She had dreams, every night that she and Martin were together again. Life was simple in that dream. She loved him, he loved her and they were a family, the two of them and their little girl. She didn't let her past dictate her future any longer. She wasn't scared to be so vulnerable with someone. She was alive.

She couldn't remember a night without that dream but as time had gone on and the two of them, too in love but too unable to stand the thought of things going south as they had a tendency to do, had gone on with their lives and the dream seemed too far from the reality that she was living.

She wanted to say yes, to throw her arms around his neck and tell him that she would be his for the rest of her life. As much as her heart was saying yes though, her mind was saying no. They hadn't been able to stay together before, what would make this any different. They had one time too often been forced to walk away from each other and she had lost count of the number of times her heart had broken, torn between loving him and needing to maintain her sanity, her strength. She didn't deserve him, she reminded herself. He was too good, he loved her too much. And she just couldn't cope with that. All she knew was she unhappy and torn by the life she was living and the life she so desperately wanted.

For her own good sense though she couldn't continue living with the guilt of betraying her husband. Then again she couldn't for the life of her imagine giving up what she had with Martin. It was too hard. Martin was her 'meant to be', he always had been, and he always would be. She needed him in her life like she needed air to breathe. She couldn't let him go, it would kill her.

Martin watched her as thoughts raced through her mind, flashing past her eyes that were filled with the pain of indecision. He knew she couldn't keep doing this. Going on the way they had been for a good six months now. It was killing her slowly one shred of guilt at a time. They couldn't keep doing this dance. Neither of them could deal with it for much longer. It was too hard being so close to each other, but yet, at the same time, so far away.

Tears rolled down both their cheeks and Martin leaned forward planting kiss after kiss on her forehead and cheeks until she shook him off pulling away from him, turning her back to him trying to regain some of her composure.

"Please Sam?" he pleaded with her, "I need you back. It will work this time, I swear, we'll make it work."

She turned to face him again, "Martin...I..." she stumbled over her words not sure what she wanted to say, the words in her mind nothing but a meaningless jumble, barely enough to form a sentence.

"I'm scared..." she managed to choke out in between the constant flow of tears as she sunk to the green grass below the tree.

Martin crouched down beside her, "Sam, listen to me," he whispered his voice hoarse with the emotion their conversation had evoked in him,

"I'm leaving Kate. I've already decided. I can't keep going home to her and wishing more than anything that it was you. It's not fair to her; it's not fair to me. It's your decision though baby; if you leave him too I'll be here. But if you decide that you're staying with him then that's up to you. I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I want you to do what is going to make you happy. If that life is with me then great but if it's with him then I can understand that also. You just have to know that I love you, I always have and I always will and if you give us another chance you won't regret it. I won't let you down, I promise. We'll make it work."

"I have problems," she whispered, "You don't want to be dragged into my complicated world all over again. I haven't changed, I'm still the same person I was the last time this didn't work out."

"Hey, why don't you let me decide what I want ok? I'm a big boy."

She smiled through the tears, "Ok."

"And I've come to realize something," Martin added brushing hair out of her eyes, "I love you and all that stuff, that's a part of you. Maybe I wouldn't be crazy in love with you if you were without all that."

"Yeah?" she looked up at him, seeking a reassurance she knew lurked in his eyes.

"Absolutely," he smiled and her heart ached with the burden of her decision.

Sam had never seen him so emotional and as she listened to him through the thoughts clouding her mind she knew without a doubt what her decision had to be.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I've long since finished writing this story but I completely forgot I hadn't finished posting it on here. Progressively I'll get it up, I swear! Here's the next chapter._

**Chapter Three**

As Sam ran back towards the apartment her mind continued to dance with a million different thoughts and the weight of her decision. The tears that had started so long ago now it seemed still leaked from her eyes falling away into nothingness as she left them far behind her.

She'd been out too long, Shane would be wondering what had happened to her, suspicious of where she had been. The night was slowly surrendering to the pale light of the morning as her feet continued pounding against the pavement towards home through the familiar Manhattan streets she knew so well. They seemed different this morning. Strange almost. It was like they knew the decision she had made and were frowning on her disapprovingly.

"Where the hell did you run to?" Shane muttered from where he still lay in bed as she entered their bedroom attempting once again to be as quiet as possible.

She'd tried desperately to wipe her eyes and cover up any evidence of the tears she had cried but it was impossible and she prayed Shane was still too far under to notice anyway.

"I ran around the park. Ashley didn't wake up again did she?" she asked changing the subject.

"No, she woke up earlier?"

"Yeah she was screaming I'm surprised you didn't hear her."

Breathing a sigh of relief as it was clear Shane was done asking questions, Sam headed for the bathroom and discarded her running clothes climbing into the shower beneath the hot stream of water which immediately soothed her now tired body.

Her mind still raced, what was she going to tell her husband? She'd made a decision. She had to get out. As safe as she felt with Shane she was never going to be happy especially knowing Martin was leaving Kate and he wanted her back for good.

It scared her, stepping outside of that tiny box of comfort and safety her marriage to Shane had become and reaching for that unknown and unpredictability that loving Martin came with. She needed that unpredictability. She craved it, she always had. She needed to live on the edge so to speak. She needed Martin.

The afternoon came quickly and Martin turned up on her doorstep ready to take Ashley out to the park. After Shane had left for work a few hours earlier Sam had packed a suitcase for the two of them which now sat expectantly beside Martin's feet waiting just like she was to get out of the apartment.  
"Daddy!" Ashley's voice was full of excitement as small footsteps came running down the hallway to greet her father. Martin scooped his daughter up in his arms, the little girl's laughter and happiness at seeing him spreading through the apartment.

"Hey baby," he greeted her, "You ready to go? Where's your coat? Go get a coat its cold out," he put her back down and she ran back down the hallway. Sam and Martin both smiled as they watched her hearing her singing to herself in the endearing way she always did.

Glancing down the hallway to make sure Ashley was still out of sight Martin quickly took her in his arms, "I moved out," he whispered against her ear.

She pulled back and looked at him, "I'm talking to Shane as soon as he gets home."

"Are you going to be ok? Do you want me to stay?"

She leant forward and kissed his lips gently wanting to kiss him deeper and longer but knowing now was not the right time, "Thanks but I really think that would just make it harder. Besides I don't want Ashley here. I don't want her to hear any of it. She doesn't need that. I just know it's going to be horrible."

"We'll be at Tony's getting pizza after the park. I'll take your stuff," he nodded towards the suitcase, "We'll wait for you until you get there."

"Ok, don't leave without me."

"Never. I'll wait as long as it takes. Promise."

They were interrupted by Ashley as she came hurtling towards them. "Are we going on holiday?" she asked noticing the bag sitting at Martin's feet. Sam crouched down grabbing hold of both of Ashley's hands where she stood in front of her.

"We're, uh, going to stay with Daddy for a while," she stuttered knowing that she was confusing her daughter, as well as herself.

"You too Mommy?" Ashley asked moving towards Sam clinging to her with her little arms wrapped tightly around her mother's neck.

"Yeah baby, I'm coming too."

"What about Shane?" Ashley questioned glancing around the apartment that had belonged to her step-father before he had married her mother.  
"We're...splitting up," Sam sighed as she tried to gauge the reaction on that beautiful innocent face she was confusing.

She glanced up at Martin who was watching the exchange silently, "But you know what?" he broke his own silence, "Everything's going to be ok. We're gonna be a proper family, you, mommy and I are going to be together."

"What about Kate?" Ashley asked again looking towards Martin.

"She...we, uh, it's just going to be the three of us," Martin struggled with his reply.

"Ok," Sam heaved a sigh glancing at her watch realizing Shane would be home very shortly, "You two better go."

She kissed her daughter on the cheek as she ushered her out the door. Martin lingered in the doorway a nervous look clouding his eyes, "I'll be fine Martin. I'll be there really soon," Sam tried to assure him as Ashley tugged on his other arm.

"I love you," he offered her.

"Love you too."

_I hope that's enough this time._


End file.
